Every person has needs that must be met before they can thrive. A psychologist named Abraham Maslow constructed a pyramid that explains the hierarchy of needs, called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
At the base of this pyramid is physical needs. This means food, shelter, water, sleep, anything that our physical bodies need to stay alive. While some may believe this is where our needs stop, Maslow said there are emotional needs (safety, connection and confidence) that are just as important.
The next need that must be met is safety. This need must be met before any connections can be made or confidence can be built. Thus, it is one of the most fundamental needs a person has.
First, let’s define what ‘safety’ means. Safety of course means physical safety. But it also goes beyond physical and environmental safety. Even if a child may be safe, they may not feel safe. They may be afraid of getting in trouble or letting a loved one down. A child who feels safe knows that they can tell the adults in their life the truth about themselves, and they will always be loved, no matter what.
So how are some ways we can foster safety with our children? Here are some examples of what that might look like:
Safe to talk
During an emotionally charged conversation, imagine that you have duct tape over your mouth. Stay engaged and continue to communicate in any way you can without speaking.
When children feel they will be listened to and understood, they feel safe to share challenges, true feelings and ideas. Without that feeling of safety to talk, they may overcompensate by becoming defensive or insistent.
Safe to be themselves
Praise something unique about your child. Consider even acknowledging how unexpected, different, confusing or quirky this trait or interest is, but how you love or admire it.
Everyone needs to recognize and seek fulfillment in their own unique abilities and desires. When they feel safe to be different from others, they can thrive as they feel independently able to make their own choices.
Safe to feel
When you see a child overwhelmed with anger, sadness, or anxiety, validate their emotions instead of trying to eliminate or solve their problems. Try statements like: “Wow, those are some big emotions,” or “emotions are good and often have something to teach us!”
When we inadvertently invalidate children’s feelings, we can make it unsafe to have or express certain emotions. We may say “You’re OK, hop up!” when they fall or “Seriously? Stop it!” when they pout. Even if you have to redirect the behavior, acknowledging that feelings are OK is an important lesson.
Safe to explore
When a child hears or sees a situation where a person made a decision that is not consistent with the family’s values, ask: “How do you think it would affect our relationship if you made those choice?” Try to express reassurance that nothing will come between you and your child.
When we quickly condemn actions we don’t approve of – such as swearing, bullying, clothing choices, smoking, lying, not going to church, etc. – our children can feel their relationship is endangered if they ever do any of those things. That reaction creates a feeling of a lack of safety in a relationship that can be harmful to children’s ability to make their own wise choices.
It is important to note that this does not mean we can’t have standards for our children. Most likely, our children know what our expectations and standards are for them. The difference is how we react when our child’s actions go against our standards and expectations. We can create safety by reassuring them that our love is not contingent on if they meet our expectations.
Safe to separate
Notice and comment on things you observe about your child. The goal isn’t to express approval – instead, emphasize how you feel about your relationship with them. For example, “I saw you today playing with your friends! I love watching you enjoy life!”
All people, especially children, carry fears of separation. They wonder, “Do you think about me when I am away?”, or “Do others notice the effort I am making while on my own?” Children can feel safe to explore on their own if they are reassured that you are delighted to be a witness to their life, despite normal and necessary separation.
Safe to fail
Share a story about a significant failure or mistake you made in your own life. Be detailed and vulnerable about your feelings. Try not to emphasize how you overcame that adversity or learned a valuable lesson. The most important thing to communicate is that you understand failure, embarrassment or disappointment.
Failure is a part of every life. Yet a child’s early experiences with failure can be scary and feel threatening, even overwhelming. Learning from others’ experience with failure, including their honest feelings of challenge, can help them relate and imagine themselves working through their own failures.
If a child does not feel safe, they will be unable to share their true feelings with us. One of the best things we can do for our children is foster a safe environment for them to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings. This will create a setting where meaningful connections can be made and confidence can be built. Meeting the needs of our children will build resilience in them and enable them to thrive, regardless of the adversity.