Creating a Safe Place for Kids vs. Them Getting Away with Stuff

Let’s say your child has anxiety around going to school. You might learn about how important it is to create emotional safety for your child and think, “okay, that means that I shouldn’t make them go to school because it makes them feel afraid.”

Of course, that isn’t really a viable option. They *do* have to go to school.

So what’s the difference between creating safety and letting your child get away with stuff?

Here’s an interesting fact: you should understand that with anxiety, it’s actually almost never beneficial to completely avoid doing the thing you’re afraid of. In fact, it only gives the anxiety more and more power the more you avoid it.

So, “meeting their need for safety” in this case isn’t about letting them avoid what they don’t like. Rather, it’s about providing support and encouragement while they do something that feels very, very, very hard.

Try meeting their needs in the following ways:

– help them feel safe to feel: reassure them that you can understand how very real and overwhelming this anxiety feels. It can feel like your heart is going to burst, like you will never survive. That feeling is very real in the moment.

– help them feel safe because you are in control: remind them that you are still the parent. Of course, they may not like this in the moment or react well. But in reality, all human beings long for stability and consistency. It’s okay that certain things are dealbreakers for you and in your household. Attendance at school is probably one of them. Rules actually can create safety, especially if you are consistent in applying them.

– help them feel safe to talk: ask open-ended questions and be very, very quiet while you wait for a response.

Ask questions like, “if you *could* stay home today, what would you do with your time?” If they say, “I would just sleep all day,” then perhaps they have a physical need that you could help care for. Or they might say, “I would just play video games” and maybe that means you need to figure out together how they can have more time outside of school to recreate and relax.

At the very least, when you ask open-ended questions, you really show how much you care.

– build confidence by trusting: how well this last one works will depend on your kid, their levels of anxiety, their age, etc. But you might try this. Say something like, “going to school is non-negotiable for a lot of reasons. But I want to help you. What do you think I could do that would make it easier for you to cope with these fear and stress?”